How a Toxic Boss Helped Me Uncover My People Pleasing Tendencies
Most of my clients, during their career, have found themselves trying to please multiple bosses.
It’s easy to do. After all, we’ve been conditioned from an early age that if we work hard, we’ll be rewarded. In the world of work, that usually translates to bigger and better jobs and more money.
During my first supervisory job, I had to manage the expectations of three different bosses: one boss who wrote my yearly evaluation, and two bosses who were my primary customers.
Two of my bosses were reasonable. One wasn’t. I learned the hard way that she is an example of a “toxic boss”.
In this article, I’ll share my story, what I learned, and what I did to recover from that experience.
My Illusion Was Shattered on a Friday Afternoon
My first supervisory job was to manage a team of engineers that supported two sections of our four-section manufacturing plant. One of my sections was a profit center and had ample engineering support. The other was a cost center supported by a single engineer named Fred.
Fred’s section started having significant problems that were affecting the other sections of the plant. There was no internal company help that we could bring in to help Fred figure out what was wrong. I did some research, and I thought that there was a single piece of equipment that might be the culprit.
I called the section supervisor, David, to discuss my theory. He agreed but shutting down that piece of equipment would result in millions of dollars a day in lost production for the entire plant. And it required management approval.
The only way management would grant approval was with a sound business case based on data.
So that Friday afternoon, I put on my coveralls and took Fred out to the plant to gather the data we needed.
In the hot Texas sun, we spent all day gathering the data and developing the business case to shut down and fix that piece of equipment.
David was pleased with our work. He notified management that this section needed to shut down for repairs.
After finishing our work, I drove back to the office to start packing up for the weekend.
As I was walking down the hall to my office, one of my bosses came out of nowhere and yelled, “Where have you been? I sent you an email at lunchtime! I need data NOW!”
I looked at her confused as I pushed my sweaty hair out of my eyes. “I’ve been outside since 8 am troubleshooting David’s plant. There’s an equipment problem and they’re going to shut down for repairs tonight.”
“Well that’s important because it’s affecting how my units are running,” she said, “but I need this data for my leadership presentation today. And I DID send you an email at lunch.”
I still had a confused look on my face. “I wouldn’t know - I haven’t even eaten lunch yet. We spent the entire day outside, climbing on equipment, doing a pressure survey to get the data David needed to make the repairs.”
“But don’t you have an engineer who could do that for you?” she exclaimed.
“Yes, and he doesn’t know anything about that type of equipment. And as you know, the problems in David’s section are putting the entire facility production at risk. I checked and there’s no one at headquarters who can help Fred, so David and I felt best that we do the survey ourselves today.”
“Well that’s great, but management needs this presentation deck and the only data I’m missing is yours. I need it today before you go home.”
I asked her a few questions about her request, and she continued emphasizing how critically important this data was and how critical it was to have done today.
She bounced off happy because she “won”.
I went to my office and did the work.
She left the office a short while later.
My Realization About My Boss
Later that evening when I was heading home, I mulled over my day.
I sweated all day to help Operations get the data they needed to fix their equipment proactively. I sweated. I was sore from climbing all over the field equipment.
And yet production wasn’t important to my boss - a powerpoint slide was.
She was more interested in how she appeared to management than in how her units operated. If the plant came crashing down because of another unit, that’s fine - it wasn't her fault.
It was at that moment that I realized that she really didn’t care about me as a person.
I was just a tool to use to make her look good to management, nothing more.
And there was something wrong with this.
And then I realized the part I played in allowing this to happen.
The root cause was my belief that if I pleased all my bosses, I'll advance in the company.
That belief was false.
Most of the bosses at the site were more interested in their goals and how their appearance was to management. They were all in the management pool - you know, the ones who wanted to be the next CEO of the company types.
And in spending all my time trying to please them and their egos, I didn’t leave enough time for me: my career goals, my downtime and rest, my efforts to maintain and grow my career.
That had to be done on my time, which meant evenings after a 10-hour day and weekends.
I serendipitously found out the following week that the presentation that I stayed late for was just a draft that had to go through several additional iterations and reviews before the meeting which was in a few weeks.
She didn’t need the slide after all on a Friday afternoon. I felt betrayed - she was the area manager that people liked, that was supposed to be people- and family-friendly.
She was - only when it suited her and made her look good to leadership.
Some years later, I came across the phrase “toxic boss”, and I immediately saw her face.
My Path to Career Recovery
On that Friday afternoon, I chose my boss over me. I could keep on repeating this pattern, which would result in my working too much and impacting my health and relationships without doing much for my career.
Or I could redefine what I was willing to accept, what I wasn't willing to accept, and how that might manifest as a career path.
I chose the latter.
It took time to work through my perfectionistic tendencies, but it was time well spent. I got clear on what I wanted out of a job: a boss who advocated for my professional growth while respecting my need for downtime and career growth activities, interesting work with interesting people, and the opportunity to travel for work.
When I realized what I wanted, I had another realization: my current company would never give me what I wanted. The company culture at that time wasn’t structured to really care about employee well being - all talk, no do. And I’d never get the opportunity to travel due to internal company politics.
So I left for a different company with interesting work with interesting people and a culture that was more concerned with employee health and well-being. Plus I got to travel on occasion for project work.
I continued to work on my belief that I needed to please my boss to be successful. I had to dig into my unconscious patterns to really understand them and then to manage them in a career setting so that they didn’t hurt me again.
Start Your Career Rx Today
If you find yourself in a similar position where you feel like you're working yourself to death for the wrong reasons, you might have unconscious beliefs that are working behind the scenes and negatively impacting your work experience.
Understanding your unconscious patterns and resolving the negative ones is critical for your long-term career success.
You can keep on doing what you're doing and ignore them but it’s likely that nothing will change in your work experience and you won’t achieve the success that you’re looking for.
If you want to make a change, then you can do this today:
Take a step back and evaluate your overall career picture impartially. What’s working well? What’s not working well? Are you getting the recognition and perks that you want? Are you happy? Are you able to take care of yourself outside of work? Do you get the support you need?
What do you want out of your career in the long-term? List the skills and experiences you’re looking for. Do you get the compensation now that you need to make that a reality?
Develop a plan to close the gaps between what you want and your current working reality.
There was no way my company could give me what I wanted - it wasn’t really in their culture - so leaving was the best choice for me.
Are you willing to do the work to determine what’s the best path forward for you. You’re the one responsible for understanding what you want out of your career - no one else is going to do it for you.
Because at the end of the day, your boss is going to move on to their next job and leave you behind. So if you get clear on what you want, then you’ll be left with nothing when your boss moves on.
It’s important to do this so that your career supports you rather than drains you.
If your current reality doesn't match your aspirations, it might be time for a change.
And if you feel like you want support through this process, you can learn more about what I offer here.
Heather Lakatos Career Breakthrough Strategist View My Bio